hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
