I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
