Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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