I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Someone shattered a urinal.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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