hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
