just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
