Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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