I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
