I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just forgot I was standing up.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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