I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
