Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
