Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
