I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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