...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
