How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
