she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
