But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
