on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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