I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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