i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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