1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
