I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
