Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
