Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
