If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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