She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
