Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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