I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
