if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
