Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
