just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
