All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
