we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
