Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
did i walk over a car last night?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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