my phone needs a breathalizer
i already hear my dad disowning me
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
