This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
