i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
