I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
