dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
