Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
