Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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