I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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