We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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