She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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