you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
