my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
