At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
