You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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