Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
