I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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